SM - Resources

In the end, this should be the least of your worries. Why? It has been my experience that the money issue always resolves itself one way or another. There are always people to help - family, friends, employers. There are always resources available to improve the monetary situation.

If you are still really concerned about money - there are ALWAYS choices you can make up front about parenting and birth. For example, choosing breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding saves a lot of money, and you never have to worry about bringing parafanalia with you or boiling stuff at 3 o'clock in the morning! You just have to make sure your darling wife keeps well fed and hydrated, something which you'd have to do in any case! Cloth diapers vs. disposables also is another choice. Even doing a family bed vs. a crib will save a few dollars on hardware, mattress, sheets, etc.

If you are in a situation where you have a lack of medical insurance, and you have a low-risk pregnancy, home birth or a birth center would also be another option - as it means you only have the fee for the attending professional, and typically a birth center is less expensive than the hospital bill too!

Keep in mind all these choices are up to you and your family - but they are options to consider depending on your situation and what you and your family arw willing to deal with.

This is a tough one. Unfortunately, yes - you are NOT in control. In fact, no matter what a medical professional may tell you, no one is really in control of the situation, not even your darling wife!

However, there are things you can due to help guide the pregnancy and birth process to a more positive conclusion, but it is a natural process, like going to the bathroom or rain falling from the sky, in the sense that you can't stop it, you can only deal with it as best as you can.

But - when it is raining - you can put on a coat or take an umbrella. And with pregnancy and birth there are LOTS of things you can do to help guide the process to a positive experience. The first and most important thing is to understand what kind of a birthing experience your wife wants. YES - there are choices here! You do NOT have to be stuck with your wife lying on the hospital bed waiting for the OB/GYN to show up.

Once you and your wife have some idea of what you want to do, then you need to find a medical professional who can help you reach that goal. There are many provider listings on this site which can help you on your way. That medical professional / care provider should - once you choose them - begin to guide you and your wife on things such as nutrition, exercise, and detection and management of any health conditions during pregnancy to help ensure as low-risk of a birth as possible. If they do NOT do this, then I highly recommend you seek another care provider!

When you have found a medical professional or team, there are a set of questions you may want to ask them to get a feeling for how they deal with different situations. Having a strong and solid level of communication with your care provider is key to achieving your desired birth experience. If any provider doesn't answer your questions they way you wish - seek out someone else! Remember - you still have 8 months!

Another thing to do is TAKE BIRTHING CLASSES! There are lots of them out there - Bradley Method, Lamaze, Hypnobirthing, etc. which all have different philosophies and different levels of involvement by you - the daddy-to-be. You and your wife should decide what kind of classes you want to take together, and go to them - religiously! I found after the Bradley Method classes we took, I felt comfortable enough to even catch the baby if we were stuck on the side of the road with a broken-down car somewhere (not that I would recommend that as a way to give birth!).

Typically, your birthing class and/or your care provider will also work with you to build a Birth Plan. If they don't - there are plenty of resources on the web that will show you what to do. Build a plan, make sure your care provider has seen it and understands it. If you are going to a hospital setting, bring many copies, give one to any nurse who wants anything to do with your birth, and make sure they READ it (not just glance at it and toss it aside!).

Depending on the choices you make regarding birthing classes, care provider, birth plan and birth setting, you will have varying levels of involvement in the birthing process itself. If you wish to be heavily involved, and wish for little external intervention, then that is an option. If you would prefer minimal involvement, that's an option too. You and your wife will need to work together to determine how much you will be involved and when. If your wife is looking for you to do more than you feel comfortable with, then there are options there as well, such as Doulas (or birth assistants) whose job it is to assist a family going through the birthing process.

So - while you may not be able to control how long your wife is in labor, whether or not it's a boy or a girl, or what color eyes they have, you DO have a lot of choices to make, and a lot of ways to be involved and feel comfortable with this new responsibility. Just remember - there are a lot of people who can help, you and your wife aren't in this alone!

While this is not an issue the author has dealt with directly, I have seen others who have had this issue. The first thing I can recommend is do not let this concern get in the way of you being involved in the birth of your child! Talk with your wife, talk with your care provider. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and it should not stop you from being a part of the birthing process (if you wish to be).

Often times, many of the steps above, such as birthing classes, talking with your care provider, can help prepare you to understand what sort of stuff you are likely to see. Also, if your care provider is aware of the issue, and you set up a birth plan appropriately, then your care provider and support team (if any) can help ensure you can still be involved without seeing anything that may have a strong effect on you, such as the placenta or vernix on the baby.

This is a problem ALL dads have to face at one point or another. It didn't hit me until after my son was born. But it still hit me, and I did feel as though to some degree my importance wasn't recognized, or my contribution was left out of the picture.

Unfortunately, this is a completely normal feeling. First of all - it is very true that everyone will focus on mom and new baby. This too is completely normal - that's obviously where the spotlight is. It is also true that society as a whole expects dads to "suck it up and deal with it". This to me is not a fair attitude, because in many ways Dads have just as much to deal with if not more. For you are now responsible for the well-being of BOTH your wife and your new baby. But, at some level you also feel left out because at best all you can do for the baby is change its diaper, and maybe hold it and feed it occasionally.

So, how do you fit in? What CAN you do? Well, the answer is PLENTY! You will likely have a very strong feeling to want to do more to help take care of the baby. Unfortunately, you can't - baby needs to be with mommy for a while. Remember it just spent the last nine months inside of her, it's going to need a lot of comfort from the one person in the universe it really knows - mom. So where does that leave you? Well, your whole family has just gone through a traumatic experience. Yes, giving birth, and adding a new family member is to some degree traumatic.

Your wife is likely stuck in or near the bed, and in any case her arms are also likely filled up with baby, holding, comforting, learning to nurse (yes - it takes time to learn how!) - so she can't do anything to take care of herself. That's where YOU come in! You get to take care of mommy. You are her comfort, her emotional support, and her meal ticket. It may seem like a thankless task, cooking, cleaning, feeding your wife (yes - and besides its good practice for a year from now), and holding the baby while your wife goes to the bathroom.

Think about it this way - in essence you are making an investment for the future. You are displaying your strength and commitment to your wife, and giving her the sense of peace and stability she needs to not only recover from giving birth, but also you are giving her the strength and freedom to comfort and learn to care for your new baby. That gift will give your wife and your new baby a better chance to connect and to heal from the birth process. And, believe it or not, your baby will learn to know you and accept comfort from you by the way you comfort your wife.

In time, your baby will grow to know you, and accept comfort from you too. It will happen. And the stronger you can be for your wife during the first few weeks after birth, the more quickly this is likely to happen. But you do fit in, and you are important. Never forget that.

My first recommendation is if you have a friend who is also a father, or a family member, talk with them. There are also parenting support groups such as Attachment Parenting International. Some La Leche League chapters also offer support for new dads (but not many). Unfortunately the idea that Dads need support too is not a very wide-spread or understood concept.

If you feel you need professional help, Dr. Brad Sachs is probably the most recognized person in this field. He has started The Father Center to help new and expectant dads.

In addition, there is Dads2B, a Dads support group which is just getting started in Cincinnati, OH.